I feel really really down...

I have to admit it.. I am feeling really really down...

I mean, its not like I don't like my job or that I've got nothing to do or whatever.. it's just a feeling of despair... boredom... and a craving to get out and go on a nice long leave.

Honestly, I don't have to travel to Milan or Paris to go shopping... I just want to get out of Singapore... its terrible the way things are now since its just absolute boredom that attempts to drown me.

It's not that my job isn't challenging but I feel that my life has come to a point whereby I just want to go for a nice long holiday by myself and do nothing but laze in a nice cafe having breakfast, maybe enjoy the fresh morning air and then spend the afternoon at some Parisian style cafe sipping chamomile tea and eating a lemon slice or something.

Even shopping bores me! Can you believe it? I actually find myself not enjoying the spoils of my purchases the way I used to. Maybe its cos' I am using my own money.. maybe it's cos my hubby stopped buying me christmas, birthday and valentine's gifts? Whatever it is, I find myself spending money like water but yet derive little satisfaction from it.

I know its just me. I am not exactly burned out, but I lost motivation and drive somewhere along the way again. I find myself lying awake at night unable to sleep, but also find myself unable to wake in the morning.

I sometimes feel like crying and also like laughing out loud. I find myself shedding tears of depression, but also tears of jubilance. Maybe I am going nuts by going in circles trying to find something that will make me not so bored, but ultimately not succeeding other than to continually bore myself with trying to find ways not to be so bored.

Then again, I think I have found my answer. I hate long drawn out processes because yes, they bore me to death. I hate having to have a single letter vetted by 10 pairs of eyes. I hate having to wait for 9 months before my baby comes out. I dread the prospect of having to stay in Singapore for the next 10 years until my baby grows old enough to understand the world and what it potentially holds. I dread the next 3 months while I wait for baby to grow. I repel the idea of having to stay in Singapore for the next 3 months and not being able to go away for a nice long holiday in Korea or Japan or wherever.

I just hate it. So damn hate it. I want to be able to take leave and fly away for a full month and go appreciate the shopping culture of Milan, bask in the warm subshine of Sicily and maybe spend a week in rainy Scotland visiting my son's Godma.

Oh yes, and I hate the prospect of having to save every single cent and scrimp for my son's education and well-being... I'd honestly rather be saving Singapore's economy by splurging on some branded luxury that I probably don't need.

Arghh I hate this life.. so utterly utterly boring... somebody just kill me... before this drawn out process does